2017 - Release and Recreate

The main theme and lessons that I learned in 2017 was to release, let go and shed old habits, paradigms, and relationships in order to shift, recreate and rebirth new habits. I let go of close friendships, employment, past resentments and habits that were no longer serving me.

The process was painful.

The beginning part of this year was incredibly painful. Not only did I shed people and jobs - I shed part of myself.

I started out this year feeling incredibly angry and resentful. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was angry at everyone. I didn't understand it, because anger was not a feeling I was comfortable with. Anger was not something I could easily express or felt safe talking about.

I was angry at society for its expectations.
I was angry at history and businesses for separating families.
I was angry at my community for its lack of support.
I was angry at my husband because of his lack of understanding.
I was angry at the burden of weight of responsibilities I carried.
I was angry at my lack of freedom.

It felt like heavy, burning pressure everywhere. As life always does, things shifted...

What lessons did I learn?

Personally...

Letting go feels good. Not all the releasing was painful. It may have seemed scary in the moment but after getting through it, I actually felt a huge sense of relief afterward.

People want to help you. The mom guilt in me is strong. Somewhere along the way, I realized, "people want to help you". As women, we are asked to minimize ourselves. Be seen and not heard. I see it's effects in myself and in others. And it's simply not true. It's a story that needs to be reconstructed.

Navigate through anger. Anger is an emotion stemming from fear. My studies as a yoga student has taught me the Buddhist concept of detachment. Detachment is not clinging or grasping onto things, situations, emotions or outcomes regardless if it's labeled as good, bad or indifferent. Expressing all the emotions, regardless of how pleasant or unpleasant they are. (In a non-violent and productive way) Anger was showing up to teach me something about myself. Prompting me to confront aspects of myself I am not comfortable with.

Loving myself unconditionally. During the spring, it became apparent to me that my self-care practice was lacking. I am a very generous person. I give my time, talent and presences. I love to give and my life purpose is to help and serve others.

However...

I cannot give what I do not have. I cannot give if I cannot provide for my family. I cannot give if I burnt out, tired and exhausted. My self-care is NOT optional.

While rediscovering my self-care practices, I struggled with maintaining them. WHY!? I uncovered that this it not about self-care. Self-care is the symptom. Self-love is the struggle. The struggle to love myself unconditionally was the REASON why I was not taking care of myself. It was the reason for anger and resentment. I noticed that it was easy to love myself when things felt like they were going favorably. When I did a "good" job or completed an important task. It is NOT easy for me to love myself when I have acted "badly". Engaged in a screaming match with my husband, yelled at my kids or failed at a business opportunity.

Learning to love yourself unconditionally is a process. It something that I am continually working on and developing.

What does my self-love practice look like?

Recognizing and eliminating negative self-talk
Positive affirmations - reminders that "I am enough", "I am worthy", "I deserve love and abundance"
Journalling, mediating and mirror work
Developing my spiritual practice

Professionally...

I love to collaborate and create. This was a big year for me. I quit old jobs and started new ones. I started working on my own business. I was reminded that when I am passionate about something, I actually love to work. Over the past few years, I scaled back on my workload in order to spend time with my family. Now I am feeling ready to reignite my passions.

Done is better than perfect. I get overwhelmed with a project before I even start it. I know perfect is unattainable. When it comes to projects and tasks, sometimes you just have to get it done and make changes later. Which leads into my next lesson learned...

The spotlight effect. I may want everything to be "perfect" but no one is scrutinizing my work like I am. Most people are not going to my website everyday and checking for changes.

Even if it's scary, do it anyway. This isn't a new lesson but it always resonates with me. I try to flex this muscle often. Do things that I am scared of. Go to an event where I don't know anyone. Send that message. Start that conversation. End that relationship. Say no. Speak up.

Wrap up the year, acknowledging my accomplishments.

Purchased: Bolster for my yoga business, essential oils
Traveled: San Diego, CA and Monterrey, CA, and visit family
Read: Women Who Run With the Wolves, Light on Yoga, Mindful Birth, The Complete Guide to Yin Yoga
Personal: Restarted my self-care and self-love practice, worked with a professional coach, started listening to podcasts, day trip to the Temple of Sehkmet, received chiropractic care
Social: Started hosting a New Moon Circle, deepened friendships, connected with old friends
Career: Focused on my yoga business, started teaching at multiple locations, became a Certified Birth Doula

What I was doing when I was the happiest.

Being present with the people or task at hand.

I enjoyed my work this year, as chaotic as it was. I enjoyed nesting at home with my family. Preparing home cooked meals, playing toys in the living room with my kids and sitting outside enjoying the sun and coffee.